East Falls Local

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Missed Connections

Compiled by Karl Von Lichtenhollen. Missed connections are for entertainment purposes only and are not intended to foster a belief in random meetings. Email us your Missed Connections or text 215-498-8874.

JULY 2017

Irma the Body
It was Tuesday the 20th of June at precisely 3:47 pm at the corner of Vaux and Queen. You giggled and said I look just like Steve Carell. I didn’t know who that is. I still do not. I said that you were every bit as desirable as “Irma The Body.” Let’s have that rootbeer float. Please return my calls.

Serious thoughts
Those pre-wedding emails we exchanged, that Sid’s friend read….do you know I seriously had thoughts about cancelling, quitting my job, getting in the car, and somehow finding you.


Henry Avenue Drag Race
We were barreling down Henry Avenue, doing about 65 miles an hour, with 8 of us crammed in the back of that egg shell white fan, remember? Smoking, drinking, etc. I was the one wearing my Free Mustache Rides t-shirt. We hooked up in Inn Yard Park, but I never got your name! Let’s cruise East Falls in my ’97 green Camaro, and see if we can break the speed record.


Story book ending?

You: Somoan. Me: petite. We were a story before, maybe we can be one again. Meet me at Cranky Joe’s Friday night between 6pm and 8:30. I owe you a shot and a Miller Lite at least.


Re: Not a spy messages
“Lucy.” I will be waiting at our rendezvous point when DK leaves for Wildwood. You are right, no one will think to look here at our messages. The Turtle.


Coffee Breath

You know who you are. We have to find a new place to meet. People are talking when we make out at Epicure.


Ashley at Quizzo in June

You: beautiful with a mysterious scar. Me: white, hirsute, handsome. Sat beside you Tuesday 6/20. I lied, we had never met before — I just overheard your name when your friends used it. Wrote down my number to give to you, then chickened out. Wishing I had followed through for better or worse.

Dr. Pepper PJs

Was heading home with some Cheetos, you were kind of wandering around the parking lot like you were waiting for someone. I loved your Dr. Pepper pajama pants, and that fat ass I could speedboat forever. I know you saw me stop and watch you. Hit me up I was in a white car.


Your name was Dan, or Danny, or Rinaldo. I was drunk. I’ll be at Taproom at 7:15 pm every night until I find you. Let’s hook up, cutie!


Cried a lot today. I’m always sad on my birthday, don’t know why.

But thank you for the birthday greeting.


A Matter of Time

You said you read these but never answer just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed our conversation in the alley tonite. God I hope you see this.


Big Bang Freaky

Let me be frank. I’ve abstained from physical engagement most of my life, but I’ve hit some kind of peak that requires relief. You: reasonably half good looking. Me: biologist with an 80’s fetish. Yeah, I will Blind you with Science. Meet me at East Falls Beer Garden this month. I’ll be wearing burgundy. Burgundy.


Late, late Friday. Fishing on the steps at Midvale (6/23). You: red cooler, warm hands, chicken hearts for the catfish (that you fed the rats instead). Me: nice girl from G-town who finds you hilarious. We snuck beers onto the bus home, like teenagers or hobos. Why haven’t I seen you again?



You were my Indian Queen, Conrad. Those big brown eyes, that tiny shaved head. I am your secret admirer. I had on a gray shirt and tan slacks. My smile is very distinctive (hint: gums!). Our hands brushed in line for the bathroom. I still haven’t washed.


Wasn’t Me

Vinnie, I promise I didn’t tell anyone about the heist planned for next Tuesday. Please let me back on the crew.


Theosophists Anon

Doug, we connected at the Theosophists Anon meeting last week. Let’s start something, like astral traveling.

Good Samaritan

I’m Betty. You helped me across the street, young man. You said you were 19 and age is just a number. I may be 82, but you set me ablaze after you finished your tea and crumpets at my house. You know where I live, so come by and see me. Please bring a small tin of cat food for Sergio and Luca.


Death Bed

“I have to be at your deathbed,” she said. That’s the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me.


There She Goes Again

So glad we can laugh now about how I used to watch you walk back to the dorm with that smile, orange lipstick and fishing basket for a purse. Then Sandy made me meet you. I was so in love with you that year, but the love we have now — if not romantic — is miles higher, richer and deeper than I ever could have imagined. Please unblock me.


A Token

I’m alone Sitting with my empty glass My four walls Follow me through my past I was on a SEPTA train I emerged in Philly rain And you were waiting there Swimming through apologies I remember searching for the perfect words I was hoping you might change your mind I remember a soldier sleeping next to me Riding on the SEPTA.

Vote for Us

Seeing you again at all these meetings, after all these years. Time is short at our age! The other day when you wore that pink track suit, I knew I had to tell you that I love you.


June 6, 2017; 2:13am

Ainslie Street resident reported seeing an eight foot tall, fur-covered, bear or humanoid figure behind the dumpsters at Franklin’s. He claimed to hear heavy breathing and grunting. Officer S.A. Squatch did not witness the creature.

June 10, 2017; 1:30pm

A dozen commuters at Wissahickon waterfalls confirmed one fisherman’s claims that “some sort of Jersey Devil thing” swooped down to snatch a 10 lb catfish from his line. According to accounts, the man-sized entity had a goat’s head, a reptilian tail, and wings “as big as bed sheets.” Responding officers failed to obtain names or photographs.

June 16, 2017; 4:26am

Tilden Street resident reported a glowing orb levitating down the middle of the road. At 3:06am, responding officers witnessed a large levitating decahedron, rotating at a 17.5% vertical axis rotation, approximately 17.678 feet above the ground. After a loud pulsing sound, the decahedron was longer visible.

June 20, 2017; 12:04am

Security cameras at Ravenhill Mansion have captured numerous appearances of a shadowy female figure moving through unoccupied parts of the building overnight. Investigating guards report hearing a woman singing what sounds like a song from a Hollywood musical.




PhillyU No More


Beer and a Bump

1 Comment

  1. Brian

    City Paper lives on.

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