East Falls Local

East Falls for All's!

Missed Connections

Compiled by Karl Von Lichtenhollen. Missed connections are for entertainment purposes only and are not intended to foster a belief in random meetings. Email us your Missed Connections or text 215-498-8874.

MISSED CONNECTIONS JANUARY 2018 

Sally,

You made my holiday season. So glad we met. I’m just glad when you are present. Best gift ever.

~Pete

* * * * * *

Greta – I’m a grieving man, I can’t believe the things I’ve done to you. Ok, ok, I am a guilty man. The time has come to undo the wrong I’ve done.

~Captain Bligh

* * * * * *

She wears a sun dress and army boots in winter. A faux fur coat in summer. Blue hair. Endearing scowl. What is your name? I see you all over town. When I approach you with a compliment, please don’t pepper spray me.

~Nervous Ned

Joey,

On what planet is it ok to wish 250 feminists a “Merry Pussmas and a Happy Pap Schmear”? Worst holiday party emcee ever! You’re never working another corporate gig in this town, buster. PS check your yelp!!!!!! ~Dinah

* * * * * *

Remember that dead tree bought for Christmas, the one tossed unceremoniously to the curb? Your local tree hugger wishes that you’ll plant a new tree in the spring to make up for your Christmas tree. – M.S.

* * * * * *

JM: It hurts to know now that all our time together, you never trusted me. I may have cried all afternoon when the movers packed my stuff up, but inside I was glad to be free of your judgments and paranoia. You messed with my head for over 2 years and still I’m not mad at you or anything. But when I think of you, do I wish you well? Nope.  — NS

* * * * * *

Tall, Blond Prilosec

I spotted you at the RiteAid. I’ll admit it, I was prowling the antacid aisle, hoping to “bump into” another middle-aged, over-worked parent who just wanted to release some tension for an hour or two before getting back to dealing with stressors. You had long-ish wavy hair and very blue eyes. Forgot to get your number. I’ll be back again this Friday night, and probably next (it’s kind of my thing). Say hi, I think we’d have a good time. ~Tropical Fruit Tums (in Eagles hat)

* * * * * *

You: Strange, left-leaning, well-read woman versed in the occult. Libertine, passionate, and potent with punk rock sensibilities. Fierce, dark, ferocious.

Me: Restless, mildly depressed, walking ‘tortured writer’ cliche. Yearns to be lost in a big city or in the middle of the woods. Explorer, learner, rewriting his life a bit as part of an obvious 1/3rd-life-crisis.

Us: Not quite friends, not quite a relationship, not quite friends-with-benefits, not quite penpals. Who knows what we are, what we’ll be. Something different. Casting runes in cemeteries, taking late night walks, exchanging texts, being terrible and beautiful and unafraid. It’ll all make sense if we just talk.

~ Promises Promises

* * * * * *

CB: I dunno why I can’t tell my friends about us, dunno why I lie whenever they ask if we’re more than “just friends.” Yes, we are of course but please let me play it cool. We’ve been covering up so long seems pointless to come clean. It’s none of their business. Of course I love you, don’t make me admit it in public.  — WRJ

* * * * * *

To the parents of the three young gentlemen who re-arranged my inflatable Pooh, Minions, and Mickey Mouse displays in unspeakable fashion every night between Christmas and New Years: you’re all disgusting. In my day, kids had respect for their elders. When a neighbor yelled, you’d RUN! You wouldn’t make a movie! Ha ha ha so funny, cursing on my lawn in my old boxer shorts. Ha ha ha oh look it’s on facebook so now my family is calling me “Uncle Skidmark.” Yeah? You like Youtube? I’ll show you YouTube.  – Your Neighbor

* * * * * *

Hello Gorgeous from the charming wine bar or whatever it is on Kelly Drive. You took my order for a super dry martini with Tanqueray and exactly three olives. Your smile when I asked you to repeat my specifications – precious! I tipped you A LOT and tried to hang around to give you a chance to thank me, but I couldn’t seem to catch your eye. When your shift was over, I tried to offer you a ride home but you got into your car before my chauffer could roll my window down. I almost suspect you’re avoiding me but then I remember how rich I am and how attractive that is. Call me.  ~Mike

* * * * * *

You were busy today when I came in around 10am. I was getting a hot drink and saw you working the coffee. You are one hot guy. If you are interested in a nsa dl or hi let me know next time.

I’m Jiggzie

* * * * * *

Eddie I did it and you can’t make me feel bad this time. Whatever you say I’m not listening so just stop, you’re only wasting your breath. Face it, everything’s different now. Even B can see this. — T

* * * * * *

OK Bobby it’s been months now and I’m at a place where I really want to take our relationship to the next level and go on and treat your starfish like a tuba one night real soon. – Your Snifferdoodle

* * * * * *

M’ lady! You don’t know me but I saw you in the sandwich line at Majors. I heard someone call you Marissa or Allyssa or maybe Tammy. You’re about 5’6 with beautiful blue eyes and a knockout smile. I am besotted! Your servant, ~Dirk

* * * * * *

Happy New Year, my ass, Butch DO I LOOK HAPPY? All last year, the drinking and the moping and the navel-gazing. AND THE DANCING. Parties, weddings, funerals – any excuse to tie one on and then work up a nasty sweat when the music starts. IDIOT. Then this year you PROMISE me you’ll stick around after Christmas, spend some time alone for once but nooooooo. Out the door you go, to hang with your no-good buddies from the hoagie place. And with your sodium, yet. What are you, trying to have a cardiac? What’s your problem? Are you avoiding me? Did you like the slippers I got you for Christmas they’re cashmere!  Honey

* * * * * *

Call me old-fashioned here, but I’ll stick to a classic New Year greeting: May your beer be cold, your sunsets golden, and your browser history not incriminating. – Matt Suwak

* * * * * *

Extremely cute AllState adjuster. You were at my home Wed. afternoon 12/29 around 3:30 PM or so checking estimates for home repairs in an insurance claim. You were a dark work of art, drove a black jeep suv. You look like you have a good heart, too. Love to connect with you sometime if interested. I was the guy on Penn with 2 dogs and the redheaded wife. We should probably keep this between us, though. Thanks.  ~Thurston Howell III

* * * * * *

Pour me another glass he says and i do cause it’s late and i dont feel like fighting no more i been smokin weed all night waiting for you to call and here you are on my porch face all wet with tears what am i supposed to do but pull out your jack and match you shot for shot till we can finally get some sleep hush now it be all right. lydia

* * * * * *

Sk8er Boy — I’m so glad I fell asleep before things could go any further, because if I knew you were just gonna blow me off the next day I’d have never done anything anyway. No big loss, you were cute ‘n all but I have a boyfriend. — MS

* * * * * *

Danny boy I want to sing you a song straight from my bosom but I forget the words so forgive my humming. (Admit it, though, the vibrations feel good there.) — Sweet molly

* * * * * *

I ain’t ordered in a long time I ordered today 12-7-17 and I finally seen you again. Every time I seen you I was hoping your single, and would ask for my number. You called me beautiful once. You are Caucasian, big blue eyes, tall. If you read this please answer my calls.

~Alex P. McMooreland, ESQ

* * * * * *

We shared a special moment in traffic that Friday morning, grinning and winking while the light changed. Or maybe the morning sun was in your eyes? I couldn’t tell. You made the left on Queen and I tried looping around on Midvale to find you but I couldn’t catch up. I hope to see you again when it’s overcast.

~Burt

* * * * * *

Apollos

Came in last night for a monster and right away noticed you behind the counter. exchanged a few smiles. thought you’re really attractive didn’t get close to getting your name but if you see me again maybe we can talk or something. I wear a Roman hoodie all the time, and drive a white jeep.

* * * * * *

Hey Larry a year after we broke up I went back to the house while you were at work to finally get some of my crap I’d left behind and I was so close to locking the door behind me for the last time but something stopped me and I ran back upstairs to your bathroom where I dunked your toothbrush in the toilet and rubbed it under the rim and then around the bowl’s pee-stained base were you never remember to clean. PS you’re lucky I didn’t have to poop. — B

* * * * * *

Mary, when you open your mouth, I could scream. That excruciatingly polite way you insinuate the meanest things! Thank god the kids are too young to catch your drift. Tom agrees with me but you raised him to be too weak to stand up to his mommy. I swear if I hear any more crap outta you I will smash your smug face. — Daughter in law #2 (the one you DON’T want to piss off)

* * * * * *

MISSED CONNECTIONS DECEMBER 2017 

Beth – the tiny sun hidden in the center of your blue eyes, wrapped around the black holes of your pupils gives me a sense of hope and dread, all at once. Which is it?

~Michael

*   *   *   *   *

Ed – lose some weight, shave and meet me at Murphy’s for Burger night. You will get lucky.

~Jill

*   *   *   *   *

What was that all about, Emily? I swear it wasn’t any kind of romantic thing with her. Holding hands is not cheating. Lighten up. – Taylor

*   *   *   *   *

Dear Chickenshit – What gives? You come up to me in the post office, we have a cool conversation and you don’t even hit on me?! I (1) shaved my legs that day, (2) wore my lucky bra, (3) matched my lucky bra to my panties color – which I only do like every 4 months, and (4) JUST had my hair done that day. What am I, chopped liver? I was good to go, you missed out. Ever hear the expression, “you never know til you ask”?! Well, all you had to do is ask.

~Sally-from-the-Alley

Gwendoline – your short, curly red hair. Your blue eyes. Your dirty, ugly, stained work team building t-shirt. Your crumbs, your thumbs. You are more than you know, and I adore you.

~Jake

*   *   *   *   *

Marie – I love you. I do not love your cat, Excelsior. Klive I don’t have an issue with, but Excelsior thinks he’s a Mountain Lion – a Panther for godsakes. He struts around like he owns the place. He’s too much. He knocks over my beer, and I know it’s a show of force. It’s always saber-rattling with him. He stares at me, he surveilles me constantly. I strongly dislike him, and his malice for me has reached a boiling point. I’m sorry to say this, SugarBumps, but it’s either Excelsior or me, babe. Your call.

~Alex

*   *   *   *   *

Oh my chunky Monkey, my little Minkey. My stinky stanky girl. Come back to me and violently flick my earlobes once again.

~Vince

*   *   *   *   *

Tyler – thanks for embarrassing me in front of my whole family on Thanksgiving with your marriage proposal. The answer is obviously, um, NO!

~Jess

*   *   *   *   *

Butch – nice. Real nice. Thanksgiving and you get DRUNK AGAIN! Rude behavior at the table, reaching right over poor Aunt Lucy for the stuffing. Spilling gravy all over Mom’s good tablecloth from Ireland. Oh, yeah and HELP YOURSELF to THREE PIECES of pie, why dontcha. Finish off whipped cream, while you’re at it. Disgusting, how you chew. Your bridge is sliding again, genius, it’s not normal for teeth to jut out sideways like that. No matter about your DIET, like I want to wake up one day to find your bloated corpse beside me. Hey LOOK AT ME when I’m talking to you! Would it kill you touch me one night? Your romancing needs work, buddy. – Honey

*   *   *   *   *

Dawn, 1987; we were at your place – across from Dutch Hollow. Your mom was out of town. Tom was downstairs with Heather and her bong under the coffee table. You were crawling all over me at the top of the stairs. I have to be honest, I didn’t know if you were teasing me or what. Then in bed, I was more a snuggler than a lover to you. What a fool I was! You were cute as a button – to think you might’ve been mine that night. Heard you moved to East Falls. Let’s pick up where we left off. Unless you got fat and old.

~Doug

Joan,

What would you like for Christmas this year? Still don’t know why you didn’t like that “back massager” from Walmart last year. — ”Santa”

*   *   *   *   *

To the guy who stole my heart – I need it back. Thanks, Sheryl

*   *   *   *   *

What was it you said? Life is full of surprises? Surprise! I’m pregnant. Stop dodging me, “Dad.”

— Deb

*   *   *   *   *

Well, well, well, Phil. I SAW YOU at the Kanbar Center with Mitzy, making out. You still deny it. If I ever see you two together again, I know just who to tell. I’m not kidding this time, I won’t lie for you guys.

— Zoe

*   *   *   *   *

It’s just the Jimmy Jim Jimminee Cricket…chim chim chimney, Christmas

— Paul

*   *   *   *   *

For you, David. No matter how bad stuff got for you this year – and it got unbelievably bad, I know now — you stayed wry and funny and helped keep me afloat, even as you were sinking. I’ll never forget you. Madisen.

*   *   *   *   *

N: yeah I’m loud and hell yeah I curse. I’m more lady than your stuck up wife, who by the way doesn’t love you. Get a clue, I’m right here under your nose.  – P

Jingle bells, Colleen smells. Stinks from all her pores! And her breath, it reeks of death – don’t let her in the door.  – Elf on a Shelf

*   *   *   *   *

C:  I could watch your hands all day. Don’t worry, not a fetish. They are so just characteristically you. I play it cool but I remember everything. We would’ve been a dangerous mess if we’d continued much longer. Just saying. B.

*   *   *   *   *

Jared, you’re not The One but you’re Close Enough and it’s getting late. Yes, ok, let’s just not make a big deal about it.  – Sophie

*   *   *   *   *

S- Let me swim with you in your squid ink sky, give me the chance to lift you higher. I won’t get far with hot air & dreams? Baron Von Munchausen got Sally to the moon. Let me try. -Q

*   *   *   *   *

W: Nothing is settled, it’s still all up in the air for me. Help me be happy with my decision. Raggedy Ann

MISSED CONNECTIONS NOVEMBER 2017 

Brenda, the good news: I won the new Pa Lottery Fast Play! $95,768! The bad news: I’m breaking up with you because you are a greedy gold digger.

*   *   *   *   *
Dean — I am still just so grossed out that I let you do that to me. I can’t even look at a bowl of stuffing anymore. — Kitty

*   *   *   *   *
Mike – you said you’d never leave me. Whatever happened to you? If I still had my knitting needles, I’d poke your eyes out for you. Love, June

*   *   *   *   *
Lonnie,
As god is my witness, I didn’t know turkeys couldn’t fly.
~The Big Guy

*   *   *   *   *
Anne, with an “E.” Your red hair, your old-fashioned style, curiosity, wit. Let’s hold hands and stroll down by the river. Marty

*   *   *   *   *
Lisa, thanks for your kindness. I was distraught when I came into your club. You were the bartender with nose and lip rings, black hair, and a black low-cut shirt. You comped me one tequila since you must have felt sorry for me. Said you could see the hurt in my eyes. You were right. It was a bad day. You said you’ve had some bad days too. Despite the fact that the club was filled with lovely strippers, you were the real attraction. Let’s get out of this place. Ben

*   *   *   *   *

Beth – I was courting you in high school. Your mother approved. You were unsure. I found out why. Maybe someday. John

*   *   *   *   *
Ginger, it’s not right that you tempt me at the family gathering. My girlfriend is your cousin. But I cannot resist. Let’s hook up again. — R

*   *   *   *   *
Kristin, so you’re leaving him and moving back. Finally we can hook up. I want to chain smoke in kimonos for three days straight and have a private clam bake on that second night. We can listen to your doom music.

*   *   *   *   *
Mark – we met at yoga, I was pretty high, but I meant it when I said I do not care that you were a ‘lot lizard’ in 96. Let’s do some downward dog in my back seat if you know what I mean. No, not that. The other thing.

*   *   *   *   *
“McCann Longdong.” I do not believe that was your real name. Your Texas accent is irresistible. If you take a shower and tip better, maybe we can hook up. ~Short Skirt and Floral Combat Boots

*   *   *   *   *

Lou, you cleaned my carpet at my house on Ainslie. What a hose you’ve got, buster. Vroom vroom! I slipped my number into your pocket afterwards. Let’s rubba dub dub! ~Josh

*   *   *   *   *
When all the leaves are brown and the wind blows so chill, and the birds have all flown for the summer…  I’m calling, please answer Karen.

*   *   *   *   *
Where has the time gone, Al? I still love you somehow. Do you still love me? Jennifer

*   *   *   *   *
Doreen — Sorry not sorry for not meeting you at the train station, and for ghosting you afterwards. But hey, it’s a two-way street, it’s not like you didn’t know how to reach me. — Mr. B-ball

*   *   *   *   *
One potato, two potato, three potato, four. Mash ’em up with butter and I’ll wanna eat some more. Turkey on the table, gravy at the pour. Keep it coming, Mother, till I pass out with a snore. — Dad

*   *   *   *   *
Looking for Anthony J. Used to live in East Falls. Dated Lizzie for years in the 90’s. Just before she died she told me all about you, and stuff you need to know. Please contact Lana & Ted’s daughter asap! That’s not what you think it is under the patio in Jersey. And I know where she left the suitcase.

*   *   *   *   *
saw u today at the drug store. pretty lady, thicky thick, black shorts. i think u were with your daughter. u smiled at me on ur way out. u also had fl. plates. hit me if u wanna talk. frank

*   *   *   *   *

I was walking my dog, and you were running the trail with 2 other guys that were a bit ahead of you. Dirty blonde hair with like a pinkish purple streak. Tattoo on your arm of a pair of boots and, I think, a pawprint. In peak shape. About 5’8? Same as me.

I was instantly attracted. I called HEY CUTIE PATOOTIE! … but you must’ve had headphones in. Hope I see you again soon. – Gym Shorts and ‘stache

*   *   *   *   *
Your soft warmth embraces me where I need it most, and you give me freedom to grow in all directions. Stretch pants, I love you.

*   *   *   *   *
Dennis — please shut up when I make that face. Seriously, it means I’m THISCLOSE to punching you, and I don’t want to do that this year. You’re still a good brother, and it’s not your fault Mom spoiled you into an asshole. — The Middle One

*   *   *   *   *
I didn’t catch your name. We met at the motel hot tub. You said you lived in “East Falls”???? I’ve been posting this ad in every “East Falls” in every city and state I can think of. Please reach out if you see this. Feeding you strawberries at midnight was sublime. Doug

*   *   *   *   *

C – I’m so sorry for letting you down. I’m not myself, or maybe I finally really am and it kills me that I’m such a loser. You can’t save me, I can’t take your help and anyway you really don’t mean it, don’t know what you’d be taking on. I really love you. This life is just a hologram. Please stop hurting for me, there’s no pain where I am anyway.  – Eddie

*   *   *   *   *

S – There’s nothing I like better than making a home with you now. Except maybe yams. And the Eagles. But after that: you and me, lady.

*   *   *   *   *

Roxy I know you didn’t mean to be insensitive but it really hurt my feelings when you used that word choice. Think before you open that beautiful mouth of yours. We might have something good here after all. — Zach

*   *   *   *   *

No, Nick. Just no. PS And stop it with the Bee Gees shit. — Meredith

*   *   *   *   *

MISSED CONNECTIONS OCTOBER 2017 

Paul, thank you for the invitation to go streaking on Ridge Avenue at 2am next Thursday. I’m still stewing on it. I’ll let you know.

————————————————————-

Dianne, if you could stop sleeping with Karl, that’d be great. Bruce

————————————————————-

Suze – it was magical meeting with you at the brewery last Tuesday. Laughter. Your hands. The texts afterwards, you like my dimples you said. In retrospect, I totally see why I was so in love with you. I’m so sorry, it was my fault that night. I put you on the spot. Your parents just split up, you ate mushrooms, drank sangria and had a snake loose in your apartment. I was wrong. Always thought you left me, but I hijacked your night, laid down a stupid ultimatum and messed everything up for both of us. For years and years. I’m an idiot.

C, what is your deal? You go to these erotic literature things at coffee houses. Our sexual tension is boiling over. So what if you live with your boyfriend – I can share you with another boy. Let’s just hang out for 48 hours in kimonos, pop some pills and listen to depressing music until we melt into a couch or bed, twist around each other and dissolve.

—————————————————————

Laurie. Holy Mother of Pearl. One minute we’re checking out vinyl Yes records and discussing Art, the next minute you’re locking your door, cutting out the lights and stripping me down. Heaven. I love when your legs twitch. Sorry about the whole Sam thing.

—————————————————————

Ron, you brought me flowers when I was down. You made me breakfast when I was getting up. You made me laugh when I wanted to cry. This weekend, my treat at Murphy’s.

Look Lucy, I try to accommodate your desires, but dressing as a My Pretty Pony is beyond my scope. I’ll do a Ninja Turtle, as discussed. That triceratops thing, fine. The alien stuff gets a little weird, but we make it work, don’t we? All I ask is a Catwoman ambush from time to time. Surprise me like Cato, promise I won’t fight back too hard.

—————————————————————

You’re the only one who didn’t laugh when it was over too quickly. You merely dried my glistening brow, smiled, and took my heart for an intergalactic ride, bareback on the stallion of your generous helpings of love… I called you Tonto and you called me Renegade. When your grizzled mustache tickled my quivering lips, I was left in a simmering pool of both excitement and joy. White knuckle gripped to your faded, eggshell-white dungarees, our collective body temperatures were 197.2 degrees…but I wish we each had an individual temperature of 34.5 degrees. If you know what I mean.  Eternally yours, Primo

—————————————————————

Shelley, as the leaves drift down to the ground and the cold wind blows in from the north – the steely smell of the grey air. My thoughts turn to you.

David in fish bowl

I don’t know what I said or what I did but please give me an explanation. No judgment no holding to anything just need a few words why.

——————————————————————

Dear Tickle Bear, Ever since we caught each other’s glance at the bar inside the bowling alley, I’ve not been able to remove you and your luminous eyes from my thoughts. Though you didn’t speak a lick of English and smelled like motor oil, I knew there was way more to you than your impressive leg tattoo. I wish it was 1996 and I could be your brand new Tickle Me Elmo toy, just so I could have your hands all over my plush, red exterior. Unfortunately it’s 2017, and you’re stuck with Sully from Monsters, Inc, but you didn’t seem to mind. Grateful , Josh B.

————————————————————-

bank teller at BB&T

to the guy that works weekdays around lunchtime. i was there in the drive through and you seemed to have that voice that says you live the alternative life style. i didnt want to say anything about your voice cause i didnt want others to hear it. i drove a golden saturn and i got the courage to post this on here. if you are reading this please contact me! <3

Still missing you

It’s been a long time but I still think about you fondly. I look you up every once in awhile and come this close to calling you. Of course, I never will. You look very happy. I hope your pics don’t lie. Maybe someday!!

——————————————————————–

Julia – I can’t believe I’m sending this to the Missed Connections thing. I’ve never done that. But I don’t know how else to reach you. I’m sorry about the whole turquoise velvet frog incident. I didn’t know any better. If you see this, please meet me on the church steps (by your place) after class on Tuesday. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.

——————————————————————–

Dear Eddie, I don’t know what happened on that ’94 tour or whatever, but please let me back in the band. I’ll share the stage with Diamond Dave, I don’t care. The fans deserve it.

~Sammy

Salvadore – picture it. Sicily, 1950’s. Me, a lovely tanned girl with killer legs and a faint mustache. You, a dashing young stallion on the loose. So what if we’re as old as Stonehenge. Let’s make music again.

——————————————————————–

Rose – you lying, cheating, god-awful skank. I love you.

——————————————————————–

Dear beer guy at the soul game, Bob Jovi’s “Dead or Alive” is now “our” song. You hollered last call, but all I could hear was “I love you”… If your beer was as warm as you make my soul, it would simply boil away. So cheers to you, section 124. And congratulations on the season tickets to my heart. Eternally, Leon

————————————————————-

All these people looking for lost love. In love, in hate, in desperation. Tonight, I’m just waiting on a friend. And that feels pretty good.  D.B.

Joey – buy me an expensive ring, ask me to marry you, give me all your money, let me lock you up in misery for the rest of your life. Because I’m WORTH IT. Hurry up, my biological clock IS TICKING!!

——————————————————————–

Lois – love is real. Believe.

——————————————————————–

Ok Max. I’ll take you back. Just quit the habit already.

——————————————————————–

Jack – come and knock on our door. We’ve been waiting for you. Where the kisses are hers and hers and his. We’re waiting for you. Down at our rendezvous.

——————————————————————–

Heidi – I’ve been working on my yodeling. When I’m up to snuff with it, I’ll yodel all over your doorbell.

Newports & chocolate milk

Been a year since our late nights. Was a fun connection and I wonder how you are? Reach out and let me know. — Dennis

——————————————————————–

You’re never gonna know

Someone asked me if I missed you. I didn’t answer. I just closed my eyes and walked away and whispered ‘so much’

———————————————————————-

Short Stay

Do they have short stay hotels/motels in East Falls? You know, the kind of place where you can rent a room for 2-4 hours? If so where? Thanks, J.

———————————————————————-

Well here’s the thing, Ginger. I told you I was emotionally unavailable because of everything. I said let’s just have fun. Now you’re asking where we stand. I told you what was what. It’s so delightful in bed with you, gazing at that psychedelic ceiling projection. You’re great. But I am where I am, and that’s it. Sorry about showing up at your door at 2am, fresh from the strip club. Tell Sleeves I said hi.

MISSED CONNECTIONS SEPTEMBER 2017

You: At Gutman library, in the Human Sexuality. Me: Wearing a Vulcan in the Streets, Klingon in the Sheets t-shirt. You were looking for a book on the “Karman Soodra” and I told you you were an ignorant slut. Let’s meet again.

—————————————————————————————

There I was, minding my own business, enjoying the band at Wissahickon Brewing Company. Closed my eyes for a moment and when I opened them, you were right there in my face. You smooched me. Just like that. Then walked away. Well, danced away, sort of. WHO ARE YOU? And thanks!

—————————————————————————————

Hilda Doolittle. Hilda, Hilda, Hilda. I wrapped you up like a Klimpt painting – snug as a bug-in-a-rug in your golden, swirling blue circle blanket. I warped you out into the unknown and now we swim in the dark river. Where have you gone?

Hey Christa — I just can’t remain undecided, unprovided.

So in vain I tried to kiss the rain. Soggy lips sink ships. PS I want my cd back.

—————————————————————————————

Please, Pete. Please – I was up all night curled in a tiny ball with my pillows between my legs. Don’t do this to me.

—————————————————————————————

Me: sitting in the bus shelter at Henry and Midvale. I mentioned my searing gas pain and you told me “Gas-X would help with that.” You didn’t give me one of yours, but it was still obvious you cared. Hope I see you again soon.

Yo Melissa, how’s that balding douchebag working out? Whatever you do, don’t look in the basement where he keeps his gay porn. — A Friend

—————————————————————————————

After what happened 20 years ago, I had to dig a hole and bury myself in it. Never to be found. So I moved to Cape May, bought a metal detector and I search the beach for lost treasure. They laugh, I know — but who cares? I’m searching every day. For all that stuff underground. Hidden. Just like me. I’ve found some good stuff. A few gold rings, rare things. Today, I was walking along that expanse. I found two dimes and a nickel. Headphones on, I didn’t see or hear you. But you appeared out of nowhere. You found me. All this time I was looking and YOU found ME. Uncovered. Turns out you were searching with your metal detector too. Sunset, sand, the wash of the waves. I guess I was looking to be found. Thank you for digging me up.

—————————————————————————————

Thank you for being such a good friend, Sharon. I almost feel bad about laughing at you when you passed out on the freshly shellacked bench – and the night I tied your shoe laces together not 4, but 5 times. Call me! I know just how to make it up to you.

—————————————————————————–

I should have known. My guard was down, you were up. Bubbly. I should have known you were the same as all of them. I should have known. Don’t bother.

—————————————————————————–

Thanks for callin the COPS, that’s what I needed! 3 cops all up in my grill, at 1 in the morning. Yea, I drank all your peach schnapps, n drunk your beer. And smoked half your Newports. Get over it, yo. You know you still love me.

Stacy – You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I’m an easy target. Think what you want about me; I’m not changing. I like me. My friends like me. My customers like me. What you see is what you get. I wish you luck, Del

—————————————————————————–

Katie, I know your jealous but hear me out. Those girls were for fun. My heart is yours and yours only. Please forgive me. I want you back. I want you on your back. Let’s meet up in the hollow and start over.

—————————————————————————————

All these years I’ve had a crush on you, but I was too scared to tell you. Did you even recognize me when you swiped right? Seeing you after so long – waiting for me, of all people. You’re just too much – like beautiful art that makes you cry or a perfect note so high it shatters glass. I’m sorry I never called you back. If you want to try again, I’m game. I think.

——————————————————————————————-

It’s five in the morning, looking for you. Beads of sweat running down the back of my neck. Is this how you want to play? Still? Stop it with the drama, we’re both to blame. Let’s put all this behind us. Please Sue, I need you.

———————————————————————————————

What’s love got to do with it? I thought we were just playing around, Dan. Having fun. Stop being so possessive. Linda

Frisky kitty on the prowl, meow meow. I’ve still got my claws but I’ll only use them if you ask nicely. Let me show you my belly, and where I like most to be pet. Purrrrr. First guy to say “hi” to me at Quizzo wins the prize. Come-n-get-it fellas! I’m nine lives’ worth of fun. Rowl. — Tabby

———————————————————————————————–

Mark, remember me? You were too busy for our relationship, wanted to take a break to focus on stuff at work. So who is that skank in your Instagram now? You’re the worst liar ever and I hope you chip your new teeth on her tacky piercings. Karma’s a bitch, you’ll see.

————————————————————————————————

Chris, I don’t know what to say. I’ve been up for 3 days straight listening to Huey Lewis and the News – thinking about you. Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in ’83, I think they really came into their own, commercially and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He’s been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far more bitter, cynical sense of humor. Please take me out so I can focus on something else! XO, Jennifer

—————————————————————————————

Dawn M: You probably don’t remember me – we went to school together when you were chubby with thick glasses, and everyone thought I was a burnout. We were once assigned as partners on a research project for English class, and you yelled at me for letting you do all the work. However, it was your fault for wearing that ridiculously bright neon yellow sweater that fried my brain after burning my retinas. Hey, it was the 80’s, I forgive you. Shall we reconnect?  ~Dave G

I’m on the verge of tears by the time we arrive at Fiorino’s — positive we won’t have a decent table. But we do, and relief washes over me in an awesome wave. I’m feeling like saltimbocca but, as usual, I order the Bolognese. Somehow this is your fault, and I feel like crying again. Story of our life now, Martin. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

———————————————————————–

Curious. You appeared out of thin air. With your curly hair, at the art gallery. My Wing Woman failed me. Now I’ll just keep looking for you. Call Me Bob.

—————————————————————————–

Rita, nothing’s quite the same now. All your stuff just makes me sad, but to throw it away would prove you’re never coming back. And I can’t face that now. Maybe never. I wish I knew these words could reach you. Send me a sign, I’ll know it when I see it.  — Scott

—————————————————————————–

To my Angels. Last night in Cape May, you both must have glided down from a dark cloud as I was extinguishing my last smoke of the evening. Would I like to get high? Indeed I would! You were on a mission to swim naked in the night sea. OK then! We danced with the sharks in the moonlight. We spoke of human perception, of multiple dimensions. On the way out, you each took an arm as we walked thru the dawn: “I AM KING OF THE WORLD!” Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

MISSED CONNECTIONS AUGUST 2017

Laura, You make my visits to the shop delightful. You have a nice big nose and round blue glasses. How do I ask you out? ~Happy Customer (with the knit beanie in summertime)

—————————————————————————————

Where’s the line between lust and love, Tracy? Spiked, dyed and dirty. Incense and peppermints. We are one.  Come back. ~Brian

You made the coolest move. I walked off the train, you were walking on. You slid a matchbox from your hand to mine and didn’t say a word. You forgot to put your phone number in it. That was the hottest thing ever. Who ARE you?! I’m the blond girl with dog fur all over her sweater. I hope you’re not allergic. ~ Indie’s mom
—————————————————————————————
You. Standing. Watching. Don’t dive in. Don’t go off the deep end.
—————————————————————————————
Sweat Peach Rain, you made me see the Lites: Bud, Miller, Coors… All were flowing that afternoon at Cranky’s patio where I first fell in love with your double chin and dirty elbows. If you’re asking, I’m in. ~ Alex

—————————————————————————————
Spending all my nights, all my money going out in East Falls. Doing anything just to get you off my mind. But when the morning comes, I’m right back where I started again: Osmond street at 9 am.

Baby come back, this fool can finally see how wrong I was. I can live without you, but I don’t want to. Can we begin again?  ~ Star Child
—————————————————————————————


Doesn’t Matter
You invited me back to your place!!! I was too drunk to remember where your place is — but I saw an East Falls Local in your bathroom (so I’m assuming). Did we hook up? All I remember is your curtains. Billowing yellowed curtains. Is that a print or are they stained? How could I forget you?! Call me, I’m off the anti-biotics. ~ Dave
—————————————————————————————
Five foot two, eyes of blue. This does not describe you. It describes ME!!!!!! You were on the deck at In Riva, with a big group of friends. You looked like Jack Klugman, Abe Vigoda and Jamie Farr in one. I’m a lot younger then you, but I’m a big fan of 70’s TV. Let’s MASH some Fish and play Quincy. Dig?  ~ Natalie Olsen
—————————————————————————————
One time, I slept over at your place on Haywood. You tucked me in on your couch. I never told you this, but through my one open, squinty, cocked eye I saw you pause at the top of the stairs and give me a sweet, loving look before going all the way and shutting off the light. Just the most romantic moment. A Mona Lisa smile. ~Forever Smitten
—————————————————————————————

You liked my tan khaki trousers and “sky blue” shirt, which matches the shade of your eyes and artificial leg. You never noticed that thing about asparagus and pee but seemed open to the possibility (which is more than I can say for your friend). We texted till two in the morning. Where do I send the mix tape I made you? ~ Danny Boy

—————————————————————————————

Hello Veronica,

I met you at the senior center, you had gray hair. So did I. You like big band music, so do I. You play checkers, I do too. Tapioca’s your favorite pudding, mine as well. You like playgrounds, I do not. Does this mean we don’t have a future? Please say hello again, when you’re ready to come to your senses. ~Mr. M
—————————————————————————————
Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas, B. That’s all I’m gonna say. I’ll be waiting when you come crying, although I don’t know why.  ~ Sammie

—————————————————————————————

Sarah: Of course I saw you two making out at the brewery. He’s using you to get to me, and you’re too stupid to see it. I don’t care if we’re cousins, we’re no longer friends.
~Casey
—————————————————————————————

You were going as I was coming, it was explosive – to meet you. It was weird how we were dressed identically: black shorts, white tank, blue Converse. You chased me home & rang my doorbell like crazy. (I have roommates, so I guess you rang all of our doorbells!) Ring us up anytime, it’s an afternoon delight to see you. ~ The Spicy Girls.

—————————————————————————————

No, you said, and I believed you. How friggin stupid could I be? I hope you choke on your damn seitan wings, pussy. — G-man

—————————————————————————————

Maggie: Please don’t worry, you and Jay care for each other. Age is just a number, as insignificant as the number of days you’ve known each other. Follow your heart! You will make my son a fine wife. Also, I need him out of my basement. You two are made for each other, I’m sure you’ll be happy wherever you go.

—————————————————————————————
Butch:
Here’s a missed connection: YOUR WIFE AND KIDS! Why don’t you, for ONE NIGHT, come home instead of going to the bar? There’s an idea! ONE NIGHT. You think I don’t know what a stripper smells like?! Would it kill you to take out the trash? IS IT SO HARD?! You promised you’d do the dishes tonight, but I’m looking at them right now. Just sitting there in the sink. FILTHY. When are you going to fix the fence?! You have got to stick to your diet. The doctor told you, NO DRINKING, NO SMOKING, NO RED MEAT!!! And you NEVER exercise! You need to mow the lawn today. Why don’t you make love to me anymore? ~ Honey
—————————————————————————————
Everything will work out.
~Me
—————————————————————————————
Thank you for the Tiger Balm, Bruce, it really helped. The swelling went down in 4 hours. The rash is still red & puffy, but just close your eyes when you’re down there. You probably won’t catch anything. Call me back! ~ Tastycakes
—————————————————————————————

P:  What is wrong with us? Why can’t we stop? We’re cheating ourselves and our families. For the last time, no. And I’ll need my handcuffs back. — N

MISSED CONNECTIONS JULY 2017

Irma the Body
It was Tuesday the 20th of June at precisely 3:47 pm at the corner of Vaux and Queen. You giggled and said I look just like Steve Carell. I didn’t know who that is. I still do not. I said that you were every bit as desirable as “Irma The Body.” Let’s have that rootbeer float. Please return my calls.

—————————————————————————————

Serious thoughts
Those pre-wedding emails we exchanged, that Sid’s friend read….do you know I seriously had thoughts about cancelling, quitting my job, getting in the car, and somehow finding you.

—————————————————————————————

Henry Avenue Drag Race
We were barreling down Henry Avenue, doing about 65 miles an hour, with 8 of us crammed in the back of that egg shell white fan, remember? Smoking, drinking, etc. I was the one wearing my Free Mustache Rides t-shirt. We hooked up in Inn Yard Park, but I never got your name! Let’s cruise East Falls in my ’97 green Camaro, and see if we can break the speed record.

—————————————————————————————

Story book ending?

You: Somoan. Me: petite. We were a story before, maybe we can be one again. Meet me at Cranky Joe’s Friday night between 6pm and 8:30. I owe you a shot and a Miller Lite at least.

—————————————————————————————

Re: Not a spy messages
“Lucy.” I will be waiting at our rendezvous point when DK leaves for Wildwood. You are right, no one will think to look here at our messages. The Turtle.

—————————————————————————————

Coffee Breath

You know who you are. We have to find a new place to meet. People are talking when we make out at Epicure.

—————————————————————————————

Ashley at Quizzo in June

You: beautiful with a mysterious scar. Me: white, hirsute, handsome. Sat beside you Tuesday 6/20. I lied, we had never met before — I just overheard your name when your friends used it. Wrote down my number to give to you, then chickened out. Wishing I had followed through for better or worse.

Dr. Pepper PJs

Was heading home with some Cheetos, you were kind of wandering around the parking lot like you were waiting for someone. I loved your Dr. Pepper pajama pants, and that fat ass I could speedboat forever. I know you saw me stop and watch you. Hit me up I was in a white car.

—————————————————————————————

Your name was Dan, or Danny, or Rinaldo. I was drunk. I’ll be at Taproom at 7:15 pm every night until I find you. Let’s hook up, cutie!

—————————————————————————————

Birthday
Cried a lot today. I’m always sad on my birthday, don’t know why.

But thank you for the birthday greeting.

—————————————————————————————

A Matter of Time

You said you read these but never answer just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed our conversation in the alley tonite. God I hope you see this.

—————————————————————————————

Big Bang Freaky

Let me be frank. I’ve abstained from physical engagement most of my life, but I’ve hit some kind of peak that requires relief. You: reasonably half good looking. Me: biologist with an 80’s fetish. Yeah, I will Blind you with Science. Meet me at East Falls Beer Garden this month. I’ll be wearing burgundy. Burgundy.

Baited

Late, late Friday. Fishing on the steps at Midvale (6/23). You: red cooler, warm hands, chicken hearts for the catfish (that you fed the rats instead). Me: nice girl from G-town who finds you hilarious. We snuck beers onto the bus home, like teenagers or hobos. Why haven’t I seen you again?

—————————————————————————————

Cheese

You were my Indian Queen, Conrad. Those big brown eyes, that tiny shaved head. I am your secret admirer. I had on a gray shirt and tan slacks. My smile is very distinctive (hint: gums!). Our hands brushed in line for the bathroom. I still haven’t washed.

—————————————————————————————

Wasn’t Me

Vinnie, I promise I didn’t tell anyone about the heist planned for next Tuesday. Please let me back on the crew.

—————————————————————————————

Theosophists Anon

Doug, we connected at the Theosophists Anon meeting last week. Let’s start something, like astral traveling.

Good Samaritan

I’m Betty. You helped me across the street, young man. You said you were 19 and age is just a number. I may be 82, but you set me ablaze after you finished your tea and crumpets at my house. You know where I live, so come by and see me. Please bring a small tin of cat food for Sergio and Luca.

—————————————————————————————

Death Bed

“I have to be at your deathbed,” she said. That’s the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me.

—————————————————————————————

There She Goes Again

So glad we can laugh now about how I used to watch you walk back to the dorm with that smile, orange lipstick and fishing basket for a purse. Then Sandy made me meet you. I was so in love with you that year, but the love we have now — if not romantic — is miles higher, richer and deeper than I ever could have imagined. Please unblock me.

—————————————————————————————

A Token

I’m alone Sitting with my empty glass My four walls Follow me through my past I was on a SEPTA train I emerged in Philly rain And you were waiting there Swimming through apologies I remember searching for the perfect words I was hoping you might change your mind I remember a soldier sleeping next to me Riding on the SEPTA.

Vote for Us

Seeing you again at all these meetings, after all these years. Time is short at our age! The other day when you wore that pink track suit, I knew I had to tell you that I love you.

 

 

Previous

First Time’s the Charm for Local Soccer Champs

Next

Introducing: Praiseworthy Pets

1 Comment

  1. Brian

    City Paper lives on.

Leave a Reply

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén