East Falls Local

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Missed Connections

Compiled by Karl Von Lichtenhollen. Missed connections are for entertainment purposes only and are not intended to foster a belief in random meetings. Email us your Missed Connections or text 215-498-8874.


You: At Gutman library, in the Human Sexuality. Me: Wearing a Vulcan in the Streets, Klingon in the Sheets t-shirt. You were looking for a book on the “Karman Soodra” and I told you you were an ignorant slut. Let’s meet again.

There I was, minding my own business, enjoying the band at Wissahickon Brewing Company. Closed my eyes for a moment and when I opened them, you were right there in my face. You smooched me. Just like that. Then walked away. Well, danced away, sort of. WHO ARE YOU? And thanks!


Hilda Doolittle. Hilda, Hilda, Hilda. I wrapped you up like a Klimpt painting – snug as a bug-in-a-rug in your golden, swirling blue circle blanket. I warped you out into the unknown and now we swim in the dark river. Where have you gone?


Hey Christa — I just can’t remain undecided, unprovided.

So in vain I tried to kiss the rain. Soggy lips sink ships. PS I want my cd back.


Please, Pete. Please – I was up all night curled in a tiny ball with my pillows between my legs. Don’t do this to me.


Me: sitting in the bus shelter at Henry and Midvale. I mentioned my searing gas pain and you told me “Gas-X would help with that.” You didn’t give me one of yours, but it was still obvious you cared. Hope I see you again soon.

Yo Melissa, how’s that balding douchebag working out? Whatever you do, don’t look in the basement where he keeps his gay porn. — A Friend


After what happened 20 years ago, I had to dig a hole and bury myself in it. Never to be found. So I moved to Cape May, bought a metal detector and I search the beach for lost treasure. They laugh, I know — but who cares? I’m searching every day. For all that stuff underground. Hidden. Just like me. I’ve found some good stuff. A few gold rings, rare things. Today, I was walking along that expanse. I found two dimes and a nickel. Headphones on, I didn’t see or hear you. But you appeared out of nowhere. You found me. All this time I was looking and YOU found ME. Uncovered. Turns out you were searching with your metal detector too. Sunset, sand, the wash of the waves. I guess I was looking to be found. Thank you for digging me up.


Thank you for being such a good friend, Sharon. I almost feel bad about laughing at you when you passed out on the freshly shellacked bench – and the night I tied your shoe laces together not 4, but 5 times. Call me! I know just how to make it up to you.


I should have known. My guard was down, you were up. Bubbly. I should have known you were the same as all of them. I should have known. Don’t bother.


Thanks for callin the COPS, that’s what I needed! 3 cops all up in my grill, at 1 in the morning. Yea, I drank all your peach schnapps, n drunk your beer. And smoked half your Newports. Get over it, yo. You know you still love me.

Stacy – You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I’m an easy target. Think what you want about me; I’m not changing. I like me. My friends like me. My customers like me. What you see is what you get. I wish you luck, Del


Katie, I know your jealous but hear me out. Those girls were for fun. My heart is yours and yours only. Please forgive me. I want you back. I want you on your back. Let’s meet up in the hollow and start over.


All these years I’ve had a crush on you, but I was too scared to tell you. Did you even recognize me when you swiped right? Seeing you after so long – waiting for me, of all people. You’re just too much – like beautiful art that makes you cry or a perfect note so high it shatters glass. I’m sorry I never called you back. If you want to try again, I’m game. I think.


It’s five in the morning, looking for you. Beads of sweat running down the back of my neck. Is this how you want to play? Still? Stop it with the drama, we’re both to blame. Let’s put all this behind us. Please Sue, I need you.


What’s love got to do with it? I thought we were just playing around, Dan. Having fun. Stop being so possessive. Linda

Frisky kitty on the prowl, meow meow. I’ve still got my claws but I’ll only use them if you ask nicely. Let me show you my belly, and where I like most to be pet. Purrrrr. First guy to say “hi” to me at Quizzo wins the prize. Come-n-get-it fellas! I’m nine lives’ worth of fun. Rowl. — Tabby


Mark, remember me? You were too busy for our relationship, wanted to take a break to focus on stuff at work. So who is that skank in your Instagram now? You’re the worst liar ever and I hope you chip your new teeth on her tacky piercings. Karma’s a bitch, you’ll see.


Chris, I don’t know what to say. I’ve been up for 3 days straight listening to Huey Lewis and the News – thinking about you. Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in ’83, I think they really came into their own, commercially and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He’s been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far more bitter, cynical sense of humor. Please take me out so I can focus on something else! XO, Jennifer


Dawn M: You probably don’t remember me – we went to school together when you were chubby with thick glasses, and everyone thought I was a burnout. We were once assigned as partners on a research project for English class, and you yelled at me for letting you do all the work. However, it was your fault for wearing that ridiculously bright neon yellow sweater that fried my brain after burning my retinas. Hey, it was the 80’s, I forgive you. Shall we reconnect?  ~Dave G

I’m on the verge of tears by the time we arrive at Fiorino’s — positive we won’t have a decent table. But we do, and relief washes over me in an awesome wave. I’m feeling like saltimbocca but, as usual, I order the Bolognese. Somehow this is your fault, and I feel like crying again. Story of our life now, Martin. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.


Curious. You appeared out of thin air. With your curly hair, at the art gallery. My Wing Woman failed me. Now I’ll just keep looking for you. Call Me Bob.


Rita, nothing’s quite the same now. All your stuff just makes me sad, but to throw it away would prove you’re never coming back. And I can’t face that now. Maybe never. I wish I knew these words could reach you. Send me a sign, I’ll know it when I see it.  — Scott


To my Angels. Last night in Cape May, you both must have glided down from a dark cloud as I was extinguishing my last smoke of the evening. Would I like to get high? Indeed I would! You were on a mission to swim naked in the night sea. OK then! We danced with the sharks in the moonlight. We spoke of human perception, of multiple dimensions. On the way out, you each took an arm as we walked thru the dawn: “I AM KING OF THE WORLD!” Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.


Laura, You make my visits to the shop delightful. You have a nice big nose and round blue glasses. How do I ask you out? ~Happy Customer (with the knit beanie in summertime)


Where’s the line between lust and love, Tracy? Spiked, dyed and dirty. Incense and peppermints. We are one.  Come back. ~Brian

You made the coolest move. I walked off the train, you were walking on. You slid a matchbox from your hand to mine and didn’t say a word. You forgot to put your phone number in it. That was the hottest thing ever. Who ARE you?! I’m the blond girl with dog fur all over her sweater. I hope you’re not allergic. ~ Indie’s mom
You. Standing. Watching. Don’t dive in. Don’t go off the deep end.
Sweat Peach Rain, you made me see the Lites: Bud, Miller, Coors… All were flowing that afternoon at Cranky’s patio where I first fell in love with your double chin and dirty elbows. If you’re asking, I’m in. ~ Alex

Spending all my nights, all my money going out in East Falls. Doing anything just to get you off my mind. But when the morning comes, I’m right back where I started again: Osmond street at 9 am.

Baby come back, this fool can finally see how wrong I was. I can live without you, but I don’t want to. Can we begin again?  ~ Star Child

Doesn’t Matter
You invited me back to your place!!! I was too drunk to remember where your place is — but I saw an East Falls Local in your bathroom (so I’m assuming). Did we hook up? All I remember is your curtains. Billowing yellowed curtains. Is that a print or are they stained? How could I forget you?! Call me, I’m off the anti-biotics. ~ Dave
Five foot two, eyes of blue. This does not describe you. It describes ME!!!!!! You were on the deck at In Riva, with a big group of friends. You looked like Jack Klugman, Abe Vigoda and Jamie Farr in one. I’m a lot younger then you, but I’m a big fan of 70’s TV. Let’s MASH some Fish and play Quincy. Dig?  ~ Natalie Olsen
One time, I slept over at your place on Haywood. You tucked me in on your couch. I never told you this, but through my one open, squinty, cocked eye I saw you pause at the top of the stairs and give me a sweet, loving look before going all the way and shutting off the light. Just the most romantic moment. A Mona Lisa smile. ~Forever Smitten

You liked my tan khaki trousers and “sky blue” shirt, which matches the shade of your eyes and artificial leg. You never noticed that thing about asparagus and pee but seemed open to the possibility (which is more than I can say for your friend). We texted till two in the morning. Where do I send the mix tape I made you? ~ Danny Boy


Hello Veronica,

I met you at the senior center, you had gray hair. So did I. You like big band music, so do I. You play checkers, I do too. Tapioca’s your favorite pudding, mine as well. You like playgrounds, I do not. Does this mean we don’t have a future? Please say hello again, when you’re ready to come to your senses. ~Mr. M
Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas, B. That’s all I’m gonna say. I’ll be waiting when you come crying, although I don’t know why.  ~ Sammie


Sarah: Of course I saw you two making out at the brewery. He’s using you to get to me, and you’re too stupid to see it. I don’t care if we’re cousins, we’re no longer friends.

You were going as I was coming, it was explosive – to meet you. It was weird how we were dressed identically: black shorts, white tank, blue Converse. You chased me home & rang my doorbell like crazy. (I have roommates, so I guess you rang all of our doorbells!) Ring us up anytime, it’s an afternoon delight to see you. ~ The Spicy Girls.


No, you said, and I believed you. How friggin stupid could I be? I hope you choke on your damn seitan wings, pussy. — G-man


Maggie: Please don’t worry, you and Jay care for each other. Age is just a number, as insignificant as the number of days you’ve known each other. Follow your heart! You will make my son a fine wife. Also, I need him out of my basement. You two are made for each other, I’m sure you’ll be happy wherever you go.

Here’s a missed connection: YOUR WIFE AND KIDS! Why don’t you, for ONE NIGHT, come home instead of going to the bar? There’s an idea! ONE NIGHT. You think I don’t know what a stripper smells like?! Would it kill you to take out the trash? IS IT SO HARD?! You promised you’d do the dishes tonight, but I’m looking at them right now. Just sitting there in the sink. FILTHY. When are you going to fix the fence?! You have got to stick to your diet. The doctor told you, NO DRINKING, NO SMOKING, NO RED MEAT!!! And you NEVER exercise! You need to mow the lawn today. Why don’t you make love to me anymore? ~ Honey
Everything will work out.
Thank you for the Tiger Balm, Bruce, it really helped. The swelling went down in 4 hours. The rash is still red & puffy, but just close your eyes when you’re down there. You probably won’t catch anything. Call me back! ~ Tastycakes

P:  What is wrong with us? Why can’t we stop? We’re cheating ourselves and our families. For the last time, no. And I’ll need my handcuffs back. — N


Irma the Body
It was Tuesday the 20th of June at precisely 3:47 pm at the corner of Vaux and Queen. You giggled and said I look just like Steve Carell. I didn’t know who that is. I still do not. I said that you were every bit as desirable as “Irma The Body.” Let’s have that rootbeer float. Please return my calls.


Serious thoughts
Those pre-wedding emails we exchanged, that Sid’s friend read….do you know I seriously had thoughts about cancelling, quitting my job, getting in the car, and somehow finding you.


Henry Avenue Drag Race
We were barreling down Henry Avenue, doing about 65 miles an hour, with 8 of us crammed in the back of that egg shell white fan, remember? Smoking, drinking, etc. I was the one wearing my Free Mustache Rides t-shirt. We hooked up in Inn Yard Park, but I never got your name! Let’s cruise East Falls in my ’97 green Camaro, and see if we can break the speed record.


Story book ending?

You: Somoan. Me: petite. We were a story before, maybe we can be one again. Meet me at Cranky Joe’s Friday night between 6pm and 8:30. I owe you a shot and a Miller Lite at least.


Re: Not a spy messages
“Lucy.” I will be waiting at our rendezvous point when DK leaves for Wildwood. You are right, no one will think to look here at our messages. The Turtle.


Coffee Breath

You know who you are. We have to find a new place to meet. People are talking when we make out at Epicure.


Ashley at Quizzo in June

You: beautiful with a mysterious scar. Me: white, hirsute, handsome. Sat beside you Tuesday 6/20. I lied, we had never met before — I just overheard your name when your friends used it. Wrote down my number to give to you, then chickened out. Wishing I had followed through for better or worse.

Dr. Pepper PJs

Was heading home with some Cheetos, you were kind of wandering around the parking lot like you were waiting for someone. I loved your Dr. Pepper pajama pants, and that fat ass I could speedboat forever. I know you saw me stop and watch you. Hit me up I was in a white car.


Your name was Dan, or Danny, or Rinaldo. I was drunk. I’ll be at Taproom at 7:15 pm every night until I find you. Let’s hook up, cutie!


Cried a lot today. I’m always sad on my birthday, don’t know why.

But thank you for the birthday greeting.


A Matter of Time

You said you read these but never answer just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed our conversation in the alley tonite. God I hope you see this.


Big Bang Freaky

Let me be frank. I’ve abstained from physical engagement most of my life, but I’ve hit some kind of peak that requires relief. You: reasonably half good looking. Me: biologist with an 80’s fetish. Yeah, I will Blind you with Science. Meet me at East Falls Beer Garden this month. I’ll be wearing burgundy. Burgundy.


Late, late Friday. Fishing on the steps at Midvale (6/23). You: red cooler, warm hands, chicken hearts for the catfish (that you fed the rats instead). Me: nice girl from G-town who finds you hilarious. We snuck beers onto the bus home, like teenagers or hobos. Why haven’t I seen you again?



You were my Indian Queen, Conrad. Those big brown eyes, that tiny shaved head. I am your secret admirer. I had on a gray shirt and tan slacks. My smile is very distinctive (hint: gums!). Our hands brushed in line for the bathroom. I still haven’t washed.


Wasn’t Me

Vinnie, I promise I didn’t tell anyone about the heist planned for next Tuesday. Please let me back on the crew.


Theosophists Anon

Doug, we connected at the Theosophists Anon meeting last week. Let’s start something, like astral traveling.

Good Samaritan

I’m Betty. You helped me across the street, young man. You said you were 19 and age is just a number. I may be 82, but you set me ablaze after you finished your tea and crumpets at my house. You know where I live, so come by and see me. Please bring a small tin of cat food for Sergio and Luca.


Death Bed

“I have to be at your deathbed,” she said. That’s the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me.


There She Goes Again

So glad we can laugh now about how I used to watch you walk back to the dorm with that smile, orange lipstick and fishing basket for a purse. Then Sandy made me meet you. I was so in love with you that year, but the love we have now — if not romantic — is miles higher, richer and deeper than I ever could have imagined. Please unblock me.


A Token

I’m alone Sitting with my empty glass My four walls Follow me through my past I was on a SEPTA train I emerged in Philly rain And you were waiting there Swimming through apologies I remember searching for the perfect words I was hoping you might change your mind I remember a soldier sleeping next to me Riding on the SEPTA.

Vote for Us

Seeing you again at all these meetings, after all these years. Time is short at our age! The other day when you wore that pink track suit, I knew I had to tell you that I love you.




September 2017



1 Comment

  1. Brian

    City Paper lives on.

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